I can’t stay where I am/it’s difficult to stay at home

If you don’t feel safe at home, because of violence or abuse, or threats from someone close to you or an ex-partner, help is available.

In an emergency situation, call the Police on 999.

You can also contact Women’s Aid opens in a new window

for advice and support. They have a Freephone 24 hour helpline-Tel: 0808 2000 247. They offer advice to women either with or without children who experiencing domestic violence. They can offer:

advice about emergency accommodation
legal advice
general support and advice.

For men experiencing domestic violence, help and support is available from:

Men’s Advice Line
Tel: Freephone 0808 801 0327 (free from landlines and most mobile phones)
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday
10am-1pm and 2pm-5pm

You can leave a message when the lines are closed or busy and they will get back to you as soon as they can.

E-mail: info@mensadviceline.org.uk
Visit Mens Advice Line opens in a new window

Website for further information

Mankind
Helpline service for men experiencing domestic violence or abuse
Flook House,
Belvedere Road,
Taunton
Somerset
TA1 1BT

Tel: 01823 334244
Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm and 7pm - 9pm except Friday evenings
E-mail admin@mankind.org.uk
Visit Mankind - Male Domestic Violence Victims opens in a new window

Website for further information

If you are experiencing domestic violence, please contact our Housing Needs Team for advice. We offer advice to anyone in this situation, whether you are male or female and whether you are in a heterosexual, bisexual or gay relationship.

We can:

Offer you advice about emergency and long term accommodation
Provide advice about benefits
Refer you to other agencies who can help and give you support
Refer you for legal advice

Frequently Asked Questions

What is domestic violence?

In Women’s Aid opens in a new window

view domestic violence may include physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour. This can include forced marriage and so-called 'honour crimes'. Domestic violence may include a range of abusive behaviours, not all of which are in themselves inherently 'violent'.

My boyfriend has hit me a couple of times recently. What can I do?

There are a number of things you can do. Firstly, you may want to contact the domestic violence unit of your local police force to report the assault. Torbay Domestic Abuse Unit Tel 01803 841469. You may be able to file a report of what has happened with them without them actually taking any action against your boyfriend at this stage. This could then be used as evidence in the future if necessary.

If you have any injuries it would be a good idea to see your GP and tell them about what has happened. This will be treated confidentially. Your GP can make a note of what happened on your medical records, which could be called upon if you require evidence of what has happened in the future, if you decide, for example, you need a non-molestation injunction for protection, or if criminal proceedings are ever brought against him.

You can find your local domestic violence organisation please use the link Search - Community Organisations on the do it online panel to the right of this page to speak to somebody for support and a listening ear, or if you feel you need to get away from home for a while. You could also call the National Domestic Violence Helpline which is a 24-hour freephone number Tel: 0808 2000 247

My partner says that the abuse is my fault. Is this true?

It’s extremely common for an abusive person to say this. It’s just another form of abuse, and because he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions. Domestic abuse is never the fault or responsibility of anyone except the abuser. Your partner is an adult and makes a choice about the actions he takes. He could choose to walk away from the situation but instead he chooses to be abusive. Whether it’s physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse or emotional abuse, it’s completely unacceptable.

Will my partner change?

It’s possible for abusive people to change their behaviour. However, it’s very difficult to change and so isn’t very common. If your partner has promised to change before and then has resumed his abusive behaviour it’s likely that this pattern will continue to repeat itself.

Unfortunately what usually happens in an abusive relationship is that the abuse increases both in frequency and severity. If your partner is serious about changing his behaviour then he’ll need to seek help either through his GP or through a service specifically for abusive men.

It’s also important to remember that changing this type of behaviour will take time and effort. If he attends a few sessions and then announces that he’s ‘cured’, this is unlikely to really be the case. The best perpetrator programmes provide support for the partners and ex-partners of perpetrators, and they’ll be able to give you further information and support.

You might want to take a break from the relationship while he seeks help. During the time that he’s dealing with the reasons why he’s abusive, many issues will be brought to the surface. This could increase the intensity of the abuse for a period of time. For this reason, you may want to consider how to ensure your own safety, and that of any children you may have, during this period.

If your partner is still in any way blaming you for the abuse, then it’s clear that he hasn’t accepted full responsibility for what has happened, and while he’s still saying this, his behaviour is unlikely to change.

How can I help my partner to stop hurting me?

Your partner is the only person who is responsible for the abuse. Consequently he’s the only person who can change what’s happening. It’s only natural to want to help someone that you are in an intimate relationship with and it can be difficult to realise that this isn’t really possible. If in some way, he blames the abuse on your actions then this shows that he’s not accepting responsibility for his behaviour. It’s likely that if you change aspects about yourself or your behaviour in order to appease him, he will eventually find some other ‘reason’ to be abusive towards you.

If your partner wants to change his behaviour, then he’ll need to seek help either through his GP or through a service specifically for abusive men.

You can take positive action yourself – for example, by removing yourself from the situation, reporting his abuse to the police so that he’s held accountable, or using legal means to prevent him from being able to hurt or harass you.

It doesn’t happen all the time and when he isn’t violent he’s really nice to me. Is this really abuse?

It’s a misconception that an abusive relationship is violent all the time. If a partner was violent and abusive all the time and from the outset of a relationship, you’d be unlikely to get into a relationship with him – or to stay with him very long if you had. This is what makes it so difficult for women to walk away from an abusive relationship. Often a woman doesn’t want the relationship to end, she just wants the violence to stop. However, unless he’s addressing the reasons for his violence towards you, remember that it’s likely to happen again. Unfortunately what usually happens is that the abuse increases both in frequency and severity over time. It might help to talk to someone who help you look at your options.

The National Domestic Violence Helpline which is a 24-hour freephone number Tel: 0808 2000 247T is run in partnership between Women's Aid & Refuge.